My heart is broken…….empty and hollow. There is a void and absence that is haunting. It aches with pain and the feeling swells. Why did she go? Why did this happen? I will never fully understand or accept it. I no longer… no anything or trust anyone, including myself. The perpetuating losses have graded my soul. I have nothing left. I can no longer speak. I can no longer fight. I am lost. My soul is lost. I search for her…..I dream of her…….I pretend she is with me when I close my eyes. That is when I feel closest to her. I can then smell her and feel her presence that I crave.
The grief is isolating. The loss is deafening. It has become so quiet. I no longer see people and people no longer see me. For I am a reminder of the fragility of life. I represent the ultimate fear. It’s like they will catch something. I am not contagious…..death is not contagious. Fear is. People give you the look or look past you. But they never look at you. They never face you. You go about your day hoping that someone may look at you and recognize the pain and loss that you have endured. You hope that someone acknowledges it. It happens on occasion where someone will take the chance. They have the courage to reach out and be with you in your pain. You embrace it like a parent to a child. You relish it, for these times are fleeting and validating. Someone remembers, someone recognizes, someone reaches out. Relief.
You grapple with life. When you almost lose your life. It is paralyzing, you know that the end is inevitable. The closeness I got to that end.
Where did everyone go? How can they justify their inaction? I search for hope…..it is not there…..I search for something. I just keep running into closed doors. I’m scared. I’m afraid that I won’t make it. That I can’t keep it together anymore.
Where to go from here?? How to put the pieces back together. There are so many factors that implicate. As I sit here, I watch one baby after another being strolled by, with parents who are naive to loss and grief. I sit in wonderment.
The quantity of losses that I have endured, and the ability to rebound. Can I? Will I? Will we?
I am not sure………what will become. My husband and I are on different levels passing in the wind at different times and paces. The waves of grief pull us in different directions, at different times on different paths.
I fell numb…. my voice is all I have left. My voice is one of ration and validity. I need someone to listen, not resist. There is limited peace. I look within. It is harder to find. My mind swarms with flashbacks, dreams, lost hope and devastating loss. Where can I put it?
I try to channel the loss into love for my daughter. She does not resist me. She accepts the entire package……..she is love. We have endured this path together.
I am fatigued and worn. My body is trying to recover. It takes one step forward and three back. I am frustrated……physically and mentally… I am glass that has been shattered one fragment at a time.
Yet within that fragility is fire and a relentless strength. I know there is a purpose to this……..I will